Okay, so this post will not be sugar coated by any means. In the past ten years or so I’ve had more bad years than good, dealing with depression and anxiety however this last year has been predominantly better than most. Yeah, as the title suggests I’ve had suicidal inclinations throughout many of these “bad years”.
For many of you reading this blog, you’ve either thought about it or even tried it yourself. To most non-sufferers, this could be construed as “cowardes” or “selfish” but in my opinion, it’s a way out of the darkness you’ve been living with for an insurmountable amount of time. I guess it’s the perspective of the individual that matters, regardless of how much medication you take or how much onlookers try to convince you that everything will be okay, it’s in that moment of pure mental agony that destroys any light or control you may or may not have.
At my lowest point I felt trapped in the abyss in my own bubble, some people mentioned I had the personality of a robot, devoid of any emotion or reason. There was help to be had but I had no drive or momentum behind me to seek it out, I lied to the people I cared about daily but at that time it wasn’t a selfish decision in my eyes, it was more protection for them. As they say, ignorance is bliss, and I stood by that cliché because it did make life tolerable and easy to navigate through.
In my mind I played out many scenarios of how I’d kill myself, medication, hanging, slitting my wrists and even running my car off a bridge, to me these were all viable but one stuck. Running the car off a bridge while intoxicated then drowning made the top of the list and now I understand why, drowning is one of the worst ways to die in my opinion so I thought I must’ve deserved that fitting death. The date and time were arranged and for some reason, I wasn’t scared anymore because I knew it was all coming to an end and I’d be free. As the day arrived I had focus and wrote out a few goodbye letters to family members including my daughter, but in writing this letter, from being an emotionless android I burst into tears and had this overwhelming love for this beautiful little girl who is now dubbed my little angel for saving my life. At that point logic set in and now I had at least one thing to live for, seeing my angel grow up. And if she ever reads this I thank you for saving my life, you are and always will be my angel!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is help to be had and people who care about you. Life can get messy and sometimes overwhelming at times, the light is at the end of the tunnel so don’t be afraid anymore and seek help, no one is going to turn you away. Find out what your light is and cherish it, I eventually found mine and it was right in front of me.
This was emotional and it’s the first time I’ve spoken about my suicidal thoughts. I hope in some way this helps, now don’t be a part of the suicide squad, live and love.
Over and out…